Weather Forecast (1)

Someone asked me what if the weather talked about us, just like we do talk about the weather? And that with phrases like “helen’s cool today” or “alex’s changed just abruptly”. Taking a flashback over my escapades, conquests and losses over the years, i’ve realised i can help someone out there do a weather forecast for their life.
Here we go! If you’re a 90s kid, jump into the bandwagon. 90s kids are the coolest. Our youngest lot is a 99er of course, who’s 15 years old while a 90 bun is actually 24. In short, 90s kids are not kids, WE ARE OLD! Oh no! LOL.

Story of my life!

Year 1 to 5
Frankly, they cheated me or did they (?) that i wailed wide mouthed 180degrees, cried when i tried to put my finger into my mouth, but missed and ended up poking my eye and laughed at castles in the air. What of the language i used to speak with invisible aliens and Martians? I can’t remember a bit of it. I’ve always wondered whether these things i did at year 1 to 3 could define ‘crazy’. And who coaxed me out of the warm and cosy womb by the way? Ever wondered? Just the beginning of this long awkward moment between birth and death .

Year 6 to 10
Isn’t your first birthday technically your second? That still confuses me. When i was born, whose birthday was that if not mine? So by age 1 i was having my 2nd bash. Then, if only puppies could talk, i wouldn’t need any human friends. I’d kidnap neighbours puppies and host them secretly for days in my room, forcing them to look at themselves in the mirror with a “hey, that’s you!”. We grew together, me and the estate dogs, so you can predictably tell why when i was 12, all big dogs in the hood loved me. Parents were bosses, and they were ‘cool’ when they weren’t home. Then there’s that household chores and responsibilities drill that starts being pumped into you; loathsome yet essential. Adults seemed a mile away and seriously my favorite thing was when people remembered the little things i told them… like seriously, an adult actually listened to me?! Thank you. Sleep was a hobby of course,let’s not talk getting up for school. And Saturdays? If i couldn’t reach it without leaving the bed on a sato, it obviously then wasn’t that important. By when i was a decade old, you just hate people who just assume things; like you are full, yet you obviously need more food; you have to go to bed, yet you aren’t sleepy. Haha, but i had received a revelation that we, 90s kids are all gonna be weird adults. With the friends i had, i concluded: Boys are dumb, girls are dumb, we’re all just dumb.

Year 11 to 12
I couldn’t stop imagining scenarios in my head that had a -2% chance of actually happening. These are the times i woke up and first thing: looked at the calendar wondering what year we’re in. Why? Because in all my dreams, we were fighting aliens with swords with i as commander, i being the dark knight in shining armour with a metallic helmet and sandle-shields; and i slayed a dragon for my girlfriend. Yes! I had an imaginary girlfriend at age 11 who only appeared in my dreams, and oh yes, she was the king’s daughter. . All i remember about age 12 is that we used to stretch rubber bands and snap them on girls’ necks as the lesson goes on in class, to show them that we liked them. Lol. What if it was this way now? We marked territory by placing chewed up gum on their seats in class; so if you spotted the sticky patch on her dress, then you knew she was taken. Territory marked! If you’re a dude and you’re smiling, then I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST DECADE.

Year 13
The first teen year. Before i go on; just pause dear patient reader and stand as we do a moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because the think it’s FUN.


Let’s go on. As i write this, there’re 2 teenagers in the family and 2 20-somethings including me who are still portraying teenage hangovers. Whoa! You’re allowed to pity the parents :D. In my 13th year, i was doing my last year in primary school. Oh the joy! I remember as we ended school on the last day, we swore to my first bros code:

That we’d be friends for life, bail each other out of jail just in case and we’d rather breakdance (that was the cool man thing then) on sandpaper than walk down a flower-petals covered aisle.

Year 14
Welcome to high school. I realised that i’m not the only one of my roommates who drinks milk from the carton. Oh yes! It also heavily dawned on me that i hadn’t done any schooling yet. Thank God it was national school, however, if only school hadn’t got in the way of my life, i’d then be hunting and skinning lions for a real girlfriend of course.

Wait! Have you ever had a romantic dream about someone you really know? As in someone who exists in real life? No? Never mind!

That was age 14. For the first time, a girl actually gave me permission to play with her hair instead of her feelings. Yet from primary school, i knew girls to be so mean, the norm being:

*gimme your rubber* *never!*
*gimme one pen* *never!*
*may i seat on your seat* *never ever!* as if boys leave butt-prints on seats
*may i touch your beautiful chubby cheeks?* * On my dead body!*

I can’t remember the other evils you girls did to me. Really? Play with her hair? This was a milestone. Like really, do girls trust anyone with their things? Funny-strange, right now they may be hoovering around me like drums itching to be played. Lol. Forgive me please. I want friends *sob*.

Year 15
Did you ever get to a point in your life when you just wanted to listen to loud music? Paying for rides (mzunguko) in booming trendy number 9 mathrees was the cool thing in school. We sneaked out of school to do rounds around town in No 9s, to back to school. Then you also needed a six month vacation twice a year. Reminds me of a song, “say something i’m giving up on you (school)”. Goes that way, doesn’t it? Then there was nothing scarier-er in life than that split second where i’d lose my balance maybe in the shower and think, “oh my God, they’re going to find my dead body here naked!” as in how i looked was so important, trying everything from draggy-butts jeans, saggy baggies, pimped baggy t-shirts, and head bands (you know those bungles that fools in jail do round their foreheads?). Yeah those ones.

Is that lunch time? Bye curious fellows, will be back soon! 😀 😀 😀

to be continued…

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