Good morning peeps in Kenya. And to my fans wherever else, good whatever it is you are having now. Have you ever asked yourself, ‘Self, what happened to MH370 Malaysian container? Was it kidnapped?’ I asked myself that too one day and my self told me, ‘Of course MH370 was not kidnapped, it ain’t a kid’. Or maybe the passengers of the plane all had debt and loans and decided to disappear. But the Wild Ventures crew seems to have somehow unravel some of the mystery behind the disappearance of the fateful jet.
The Malaysian authorities, who didn’t want to be mentioned as they are not allowed to speak not only to the press, but also to any weird pack of Wild Venturers, unleashed some secrets from the ‘MH370 envelope’ (you know how we had the Ocampo envelope here in Kenya some time back that was sealed with glue from the ICC seating at the Hague that it took a whole year to open it? Yeah, now Malaysia has a similar version of envelope) to our stalkers, spies and voyeurism team that yielded stunning revelations.
First of all, it was discovered by the air traffic control team and the control tower operators that the 2 ‘jamaas’ (peeps) at the cockpit when the plane took off for the skies were not the destined pilots. Apparently, 2 Kenyans, Onyango was the pilot while Kamau was the co-pilot. The control tower guy discovered this when he expected the pilot to engage in the normal verbal take-off banter, but he heard, ‘Yawa, this machine is supersonic bwana like my Ferrari. Atoti needs a ride in this sophistication. Hey guy in the tower, can you connect me to Atoti.’ Being Malaysian, he was surprised at the funny accent, yanked off his headphones and cleaned his ears with one poke of the middle finger, then took back his earpiece to get it right. And then of course he heard scratchy biro-pen noises as Kamau calculated on a piece of paper how many trips a Githurai 45 Mathree (public service vehicle) would take from Githurai to town travelling at such supersonic speed, and how much money that would make in a day.
Secretly, the control tower liaised with security quickly and information from the country’s internal database revealed the sudden disappearance of Kamau and Onyango. That’s how their names were known. Onyango, by the way, was just a cyber café attendant at the airport but learnt flight control skills by Googling, such a genius he was.
And that’s why we at ‘Wild Ventures’ don’t trust Google. We’d better search the whole night using our torches than use Google. Is Google real? We believe it’s something done by an internet troll. You know a troll? It’s a creep with anonymous twitter accounts and living in a room with only an old desktop computer, a table and a wooden chair in the basement of his mother’s house. He stays in the basement because that’s where he hides stolen Wi-Fi, facebook and twitter passwords.
So Onyango must have typed ‘yawa’ in the Google search box. Then, is Google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish a sentecnce without coming up with other suggestions. Just after Onyango finished typing ‘yawa’ wanting to continue typing ‘I’m so hungry, what do I do’ hoping to get a sophisticated solution to his problem, Google had already suggested ‘yawa how to fly a plane from scratch’. That’s not really a strange result to get from a public computer in an airport anyway. But Onyango is a genius, he went gold-digging.
The above was just a behind-the-scenes by our technical team, trying to fit thje puzzle into how Onyango became a pilot as to take off a plane. And Kamau? Kamau, I tell you my friend, used to sell mandazi at the airport in Kuala Lumpur, and even do delivery to pilots at their cockpits before take off. It was common sight to see a plane landing, then stop, and then spot Kamau running to the windows of the craft to hawk mandazi.
One normal day Kamau receives a text message on his mobile to rush mandazi and a thermos of tea to MH370 Malaysian jet at Runway No… … …
*looks for number of runway*
*’number of runway’ file is deleted*
*concludes someone ran away with runway number*
Kamau does his usual running-to-the-cockpit drill (people there called him Rudisha, a famous Kenyan athlete, not knowing he’s the slowest Kenyan around) and when he gets to the cockpit, doesn’t find a Malaysian pilot.
He finds Onyango, whom he owes some money after extending his time in the cyber café having not carried the bucks. Kamau thinks it’s a set up by Onyango but before he screams ‘woi fafa’, Onyango beckons Kamau to jump aboard. ‘I have bought the device Kamau, just come in, it’s a free lift. I don’t charge money in my plane, I have enough money bwana.’
That’s how drama started. Signals from the undiscovered black box were collected from the Malaysian authorities by the Wild Ventures Science Dept. and taken to our labs for conversion from just signals to sound waves (audio/mp3/not mp4). After conversion to sound, it has been established that later on in the flight, Kamau started suggesting to Onyango that they divert the flight to River Road, Nairobi so that the device can be painted with pimp graphics and fitted with a booming sound system so that they can start ‘biashara’ (business) on the 44-45 Thika Super Runway Route. Kamau would be the manager while Onyango would be the driver of the device (plane) since he had the skills. Trouble started when Kamau wanted them to do that immediately, yet Onyango wanted to fly over and see the sophisticated Dubai he’d heard of, from where his uncle, Obama, used to import expensive jewellery for his atoti.
They started fighting, in the process pressing some wrong buttons and figures on the screens became codes. Onyango can be heard saying, ‘Now look Kamau, the screens have become coded, pun intended, yawa.’ An automated voice says that the plane is banking at a precarious 55 degrees and Kamau is heard asking, ‘shhhh, let’s stop fighting, did I hear bank?’ Then screams are heard from the fuselage, cabin etc and Kamau suggests that the passengers have seen the bank, no worries, as they are shouting in jubilation. It’s Jubilee for them. The flight, from the signals our team converted to sound waves can be heard as rough and noisy, meaning Onyango had full blasted the cockpit speakers with atoti’s best songs. The last voice heard was Onyango’s when he’d called his girlfriend, ‘Baby, are you Saturn? Because I wanna put three rings on you. Never mind, I’m Pluto, because I’m far away from the solar system.’ A fizzing sound is then heard, and I thought initially it was Kamau opening a bottle of coke, ‘kumbe’ (however) it’s the signals getting lost into the sea. So the other signals were lost that way and our team couldn’t figure out what transpired into the last minutes of the flight.
Some thing else, it’s likely Onyango being the IT geek, changed the time on the mobile phones of the real pilots of the ill-fated plane via Bluetooth, or whichever way he did it (Kenyans are the bombs, you know that) so that they arrived late for work and found their jet gone.
Another thing, the Malaysian authorities secretly arrived in Kenya after the signals they’d given us disappeared too. The Wild Ventures team had stored those signals very well in the lab but one morning they were gone, never to be traced to date. Whether the signals decided to do some wild venturing of a new country after they’d figured out they were in Kenya, or some Njuguna somewhere detected them with his Bluetooth Nokia Lumia and decided to download all of them (the signals) into his phone as he looks for the market, we don’t know. That’s the mystery. And so long as that remains unsolved, MH370 will be a mystery. We aren’t new to mysteries from the sky, are we? Do you know even Jesus arrived mysteriously, helped others, performed miracles, died, resurrected and ascended to the heavens? Have a good day.
Advice: Have you ever lost a coin when broke? Where did you get it at last, was it not at the last place you looked for it, without quitting? Exactly, the jet will be found in the last place they look for it.