Have you noticed that Facebook, Twitter, Instagram are just beasts with insatiable appetites that are consistently feeding on photographs and status updates of our thoughts, feelings and whereabouts? Most neuroses and some psychoses can be traced to the unnecessary and unhealthy habit of daily wallowing in the troubles and sins of five billion strangers on the social network. Social networking is for the anti-social. Keystrokes are a sign of the solipsistic lonely sort. It’s self-imposed solitary confinement. You can’t rip all them ones and twos from the screen. Social media is the reason why these days most of us have the attention span of a meth-addicted squirrel.
I pity myself too at times. Now I have to spend the time that I’m not doing the thing they’re doing reading about them doing it? Streaming the clips of them doing it, commenting on how lucky they are to be doing all those things, liking and digging and bookmarking and posting and tweeting all those things, and feeling more disconnected than ever? Does this make the world a global village? With time I’ve realized that the real village is just outside these walls; they’ve witnessed me being confined, glued to the screen. I’ve never in my life felt more disconnected.
Then, the new monster on social media, whose craze is picking up is selfies. When I go through social media sites, the endless posts of self-taken pictures, otherwise known as “selfies,” never cease to amaze me. You’ve seen them, those photographs almost always taken with a smartphone by the person appearing in the picture, their arm outreached in front of them (or, in the more salacious ones, behind them!), possibly standing in front of a mirror with the phone clearly visible. Really, this should be the dark side of social media. Getting it? I’m about that annoying picture you post of YOURSELF to remind the world just how attractive you are, and worse, you post it half a billion times in one day, filling my news-feed with what I’d call the product of a moron sleeping with a douche. ‘Easy…’ you say, but i ain’t even started.
Girls? If you have any account in the social network where a big chunk of your followers are these beings, then you feel me. Looking at your selfies is painful girls. Dudes who do this selfie thingy, sorry, I’ve put you in that bracket I’m calling ‘girls’, so please read on and hear me angry rant. And by the way, calling yourself out in the status of a selfie doesn’t make it holy, neither does hashtag #selfie do. Matter of fact, nothing makes a selfie cool. Each reader here, if you aren’t that dude, then at least you know one who spends half his day counting his likes as if he can take them to the bank. I know one, so good looking (i admit) it’ll make you reconsider gay (oh no, of course i’m lying). Okay, yeah, before I go on, i know dudes would only do selfies of them in their new auto, with wads of cash or their abs. I’d prefer those. However, ain’t that so proud? But what if it becomes less about how we look and more about how much we care? What if it becomes less about how much money we earn and more about how much we share our good fortune? Imagine a world where who we are in our hearts is the ultimate status symbol.
All those selfies of guys pursing their lips and smizing (that is, smiling with one’s eyes) doesn’t make them look like a supermodel of the world but a crazed, legally blind blow-up doll. What about those lying selfies? A myriad of those pics on the social network are just sham, made up, attention seeking stunts. I know a lady friend who borrows tops… ok, that’s extreme, but she actually takes selfies in the boutique trying outfits that are up for sale. Own up sister, if you can’t afford swag, leave it. Selfies have made a small fish in a small pond to become bigger than a big fish in a big pond, more-so without the support or consent of the big fish. Your goal is to be the type of fish the consumer is fishing for. She therefore gets all the like and comments online, with followers trailing her like a worship team, little do they know… And then the ugly me whose ID photo made me never think of a selfie even at gunpoint is left wallowing in the poverty of no likes, retweets or followers *sob* . Dudes who comment on girlie selfies should actually be whipped. Why? You’re fueling her addiction with those lust, perv comments; and you, you are actually held slave to a virtual fantasy.
I unleashed my blurt on one selfie junkie and this’ what he said, “This has made my stand even stronger and further that Facebook should just be a conglomerate of close friends, whom one loves, respects and “stands” no matter how low their photos are. If one can’t bare to see the sight of these “selfies” from your friends’ list anymore, options like hide post or delete friend are available. It is people’s rights to do what they think sets them happy. It is one’s right not to see them if unwanted.” Nay, I think we should care. Whoever controls the media, controls the mind. Don’t you know that if you post a selfie, more so a gazillion of them at one venue taken seconds apart, I’ll be tempted to scroll, then i’ll become a social networking freak who soon will go crazy. What happens when i go nuts? I walk nude in the streets, throwing plastics at ladies. See? Because of you. Worse, the selfie pics are photos of your butt, then you pretend by signing up to causes like youth delinquency. Get a life!
You say self esteem? It’s not about self esteem, positive energy or even freedom of expression – it’s about nothing more than sad people trying to feel better about their empty lives by trying to convince the world (but really only themselves) that they’re better than others. Before social media, ‘showing off’ wasn’t cool, it was ugly and unhelpful. And in the real world nothing has changed. Why do so many people think that just because it’s on the internet (including Facebook), showing off somehow demonstrates that you’re not a sad vacuous pleb?! Remember – Mark Zuckerberg hasn’t done a thing to disprove a straightforward fact of (real) life: SELF PRAISE IS NO PRAISE. If you’re one of the ‘positive energy’ brigade, go promote positive energy by spreading positive energy, and not by showing off. Praise somebody/something else, not yourself – you might actually help bring about something worthwhile… or you can just continue feeding your own ego instead. If so, be sure to let me know how that works out for you!
Let me teach you new terms that will make you hate selfies too. Selfie-steem is a mental condition in which one stares at their selfie too long, causing them to have low self esteem.The longer you look at your selfies, the uglier you get. Selfietitis is a new, emerging infectious, psychosocial disease in which the person inherently takes pictures of himself in front of the mirror or in public places that the person continuously takes several or hundred shots of selfies for several hours until he finds a suitable shot for himself to post or display in a social media network. Spectators tend to imitate the similar poses and actions causing infectious behavior. Then there’s selfiglyphy which is a clever combination of the words selfie, ugly and photography. Word is when one’s incompetence in photography is such that all they can do is take (objectively) ugly selfies. It’s also a medical condition: when a person feels like puking when looking at each and any selfie of themselves, even when the selfie is considered objectively normal by many other people. As a medical condition, selfiglyphy cannot be treated. I’m serious.
If there’s really something on your face or body you wanna share (makeup/costume, fine, whatever), and there is no one around to take a photo, then society might let you get away with it, but other than that, please try to refrain from letting the world know you think you’re hot in the most moronistic ways eg posting a trillion selfies in a day. . And remember, friends don’t let friends selfie. In 2013, the word “selfie” made it into the official Oxford dictionary. In fact, it was the “word of the year”. Forget selfies. Those are so 2013.