Global warming!

Have you ever wondered what the clouds want to be when they grow up? They want to be thunderstorms. That’s what Kenyan Meteorology Department, or whatever we call those guys, is telling us. They’re scaring people all over the place of an El-Niño. Get scared. They may be right. Ladies should go out doors with their purse open. Yes, because we expect some ‘change’ in the weather. You can cash on that, am I clear?


male mind 2
…male mind of a nerd like ‘wild ventures’?…

But how does something like global warming get into the male mind of a nerd like ‘wild ventures’? Walking with a friend in town earlier today, he commented on how all ladies are hot all over the place. He can’t choose ‘which’ ‘what’ over ‘whom’. And of course I was sweating like hell, necessarily because it was so hot, I had to get to a shade to change my mind. So help me, if I hear someone tell me it’s the humidity one more time… Actually it is not the humidity, it’s the humanity. Ladies, clap for you. But that was just a typical guys’ dialogue.

Of course we all have had issues with the weathermen. From an early age, presumably since when, I guess, I used to think ‘isobar’ is where the weather guys have their alcoholic drink, weathermen have been wrong. An honest weatherman should say, “Today’s forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I’m wrong.” That way he’ll be 100% accurate. So we are going to outline some issues about weathermen before I rant on global warming.


  1. Don’t date a weatherman. They’ll cheat on you. If someone can’t say truth about the weather, what else d’ya expect?
  2. All weathermen should be transferred. If the weather doesn’t agree with your predictions, you weatherman should ask for a transfer to another place. That’s for you weathermen.
  3. If good ol’ El Nino fails to show up here in Nairobi, and we are left so high & dry such that when I go sport-fishing at Ngong it’s so dry that the catfish I get will have ticks on it, and the ol’ crocos at Sagana will have a terrible case of athlete’s foot, now that’ll be dry!!!!! And I’ll sue you weathermen!!

Global warming has been blamed on the most outrageous incidences ever. According to a some new U.N. report somewhere, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. This is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet. I’m not saying global warming is an old myth. Don’t kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here’s how serious global warming has gotten to be in Kenya. In this country global warming is so bad; we are now actually starting to warm up to terrorist threats and the scandalous transfer of money in cartons from Central Bank to the State House at night. The terror guys say they’ll bomb such and such a place and we say, ‘come, baby, come!’ Thank you Kenyans, that’s the spirit! Otherwise cash transfers ain’t a big deal, which happens every other day.

goldfishThe rising sea levels have been attributed to global warming. Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to raise four and a half feet. Don’t you think this is a wonderful thing? I mean, when the glaciers in Antarctica thaw out and increase the sea levels, the bigwig political land grabbers at our Coast will have had rotten cake and eaten it. The ocean should carry away that land you’ve grabbed you morons. Then you’ll have to claim you own the sea and we’ll see who laughs last.

Otherwise I think I miss that American president who was a friend of Africa; George W. Bush. He’s so famous that my auto-correct just capitalized the first letters of his name. He used to call global warming ‘spring’. He was so much against global warming. President Bush had a plan. He said that if we need to, we can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius. He nipped that in the bud. If I had such crazy ideas I’d high five my brain.

Let me tell you friend. We all contribute to this global warming thing. When you fart, it’s global warming. When you cook in the campus hostels with jua-kali electric coils, it’s global warming. Why don’t you buy cooked food at club 36? Why? It’s a pity that plants learnt to use the sun to make food millenniums ago, yet man is still using electric coils and gas cookers to make food. Shame! The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles … hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages … And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE are! We are going home. It’s going to get hotter and hotter until the sinners realize that they are actually baking in hell and the Rapture happened. Don’t look at me like that you sinner, it’s true.


I got this from some blog somewhere that quoted that ABC in Australia reported the following absurdity on Christmas Eve:

Wasted food at Christmas time is now being highlighted as an environmental problem. Jon Dee, the chairman of Do Something, says gases from leftover food rotting in landfill are 20 times more potent than the carbon pollution from car exhausts. Mr Dee says there are simple ways to avoid over-catering at Christmas and damaging the environment. “Australians waste more than 3 million tonnes of food every year and of course a lot of that food is wasted at Christmas,” he said.

And then we wonder why we blame our vehicles when food actually causes more s**t. Of course it does, literally.

…alas, seems global warming is actually happening…

“Dealing with global warming doesn’t mean we have all got to suddenly stop breathing. Dealing with global warming means that we have to stop waste, and if you travel for no reason whatsoever, that is a waste.” Ok, thank you David Attenboroug.

I’m still trying to figure out how they connect hurricanes, tornadoes and volcanoes to global warming. Funny, these things don’t actually happen in Africa. You western peeps must be making fun of us. When Africans butcher each other in civil war, the blame is the Africans. But when it’s hurricanes… etc, that’s global warming. Ahem, do you know you peeps are to blame for global warming? Why haven’t they sent troops to the sun to combat the menace? You know who I blame for global warming now? This is true. Fat people, and to be precise, fat people who are political leaders in America and Europe :D. All they do is warm their seats for their long tenures and eventually even their seats get dilapidated with the amount of money they hog in illegally by selling weapons and drugs to Africa and the only way it comes out is by tilting their huge pot-bellied frames to one side and emitting poisonous gases that not only depreciate their beloved seats but also the nation as a whole and then they shout ‘Global Warming.’ Hallelujah! There’re no fat people here in Africa. The few fat ones are just rapidly expanding due to myriads of problems, the International Criminal Court being among them; while the rest are dying of hunger either in public universities due to very meager HELB Student Loan funds or in Turkana in marginalized North Eastern Kenya. Hunger is everywhere. I’m even not sure I’ll finish this post, who has some food?
…then we’d say ‘tumechill’ hence rapidly reducing HIV spread…
Of course, here’s where I actually accept that global warming not only causes rising temperatures, but also prolonged chills. Daily lowering winter temperatures in the Belgium have  improved their abilities to ‘take the chill pill’. If that happened to our country, Kenya, then we’d say ‘tumechill’ hence rapidly reducing HIV spread. See? I’m actually confused. i don’t know whether i support global warming or measures taken to curb it. But I’m saying like Larry the Cable Guy, come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then? Thank you for warming your seat, bye.


4 thoughts on “Global warming!

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